Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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