remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
