This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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