I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I supernannyed him into submission
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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