Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
