Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
