if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
