i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
