why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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