i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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