Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
