he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
