You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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