guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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