I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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