I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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