goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
