I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
