I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Oh god it's open bar.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
