You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
