ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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