We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
