I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
