there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
