You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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