My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
