I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
