So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
