I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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