We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
