yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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