i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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