i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
