i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
