A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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