it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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