im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Randomize
