piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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