i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
