I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
