There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
