We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
