You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
