weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
