Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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