sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Can I color on your dick again?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Randomize
