Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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