the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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