I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
