got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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