I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
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I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
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He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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