First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Of course I have a pirate flag
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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