Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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