grandma shit on top of the toilet
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
