she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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