First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
