Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
